In typical Stadler fashion, the baby was late and after a week my doctor suggested we induce labor. At 41 weeks pregnant, fat, hot, and waddling, I agreed.
I had three hours of pitocin before they turned if off to let me sleep through the night. My “through the night” usually involves waking up around 9am, but apparently that’s hotel not hospital time. Their good night’s sleep ended at 5am when they cranked up the medication.
Around 11am, I succumbed to that bit of pain where your body is preparing to evict the person living inside there- whom you hope hasn’t gotten as fat as you have- and I asked for an epidural. “Are your legs feeling warm and tingly?” the nurse asked me for the next twenty minutes. “I’m sorry, I’m in LABOR! Did you just use the words ‘warm and tingly’? Because I forgot I even have legs due to the sledge hammer pounding my lower back.” Um yeah… that epidural didn’t work. Twenty minutes later I had a new epidural and a new attitude about labor. Not even a case of Ding Dongs could have made me that happy.
By 1pm I was nearly passing out in 10-second intervals as I held my breath to push. I’m not entirely positive because I’ve had some not-so-good hair days, but I’m pretty sure that was one of my least attractive moments in life. Thank God pain has the power to trump vanity.
An hour passed with little progress because not only had the baby not dropped, he was turned wrong. And just when I thought this was the “it” I was getting in labor, a tornado warning was issued for Davidson County. I’m not even kidding. Do you know what happens in a hospital when there’s a tornado warning? Patients have to move out into the hallway. That’s right. Oh, don’t mind me, I’m just in the middle of trying to PUSH A PERSON OUT MY ORRIFICE! The only positive thing I can say about the experience is that they decided to let me rest instead of push on public display. The whole rest period lasted about 30 minutes until, of course, the epidural started to wear off… ‘cause that’s what happens when you have to wait on a tornado. After a re-dose and another ten minutes or so, we got the “all clear” to return to the room and spend another 30 minutes of wasted effort, during which the doctor tried to manually turn the baby… with her HAND… on his HEAD! If there was any doubt before, I was positive this was the “IT” I was due. The amount of pain in this process was enough that I would have rather delivered a 14 lb baby, in a tornado, in front of everyone in the hospital, without an epidural. THAT would have been a treat in comparison.
The baby never dropped or turned, so I opted for a caesarian… just to top off the whole labor experience. I mean, what non-working epidural, ineffective pushing, tornado warning, baby-turning labor would be complete without a little surgery?
In the end, I got more than my share of “it” in labor and delivery. And it was totally worth it.
Andrew Jonathan Stadler
“Drew”
born Tuesday, June 16, 2009
7lbs 14oz
20 ¾ inches long
