Singles and Showers

I just realized the title of this entry could be misleading. Before you jump to conclusions, let me clarify that this is not about bathtub brothels. Though that would be an interesting piece, I surprisingly have no experience on the matter.

Instead, I would like to openly and honestly discuss an issue that has long needed to be addressed. Over the years, I have consistently discussed it in circles of single friends- each of us bearing the burden of guilt over the emotional turmoil of it all. That ends today. Today, the milk gets spilled. The diaper rash is revealed and no amount of Desitin can relieve the burning truth that single women DO NOT enjoy baby showers.

This is where our married with children friends are offended. WHAT? You don’t enjoy discussions about pacifiers, butt paste, and non-drip bottle nipples? Shockingly, NO… we don’t. We don’t enjoy sitting in circles with a group of moms discussing breast-feeding, while passing around baby paraphernalia that only reminds us of how very single and childless we are. The moms discuss ergonomic rattle handles and with each shake of the rattle, all we can hear is the ticking of our biological clock… that, and the crackling of our drying uterus.

But we continue to go, putting on happy faces as we unroll those six sheets of toilet paper to wrap around our pregnant friend, while sticking a few in our pockets for the cry fest we’ll have later. We pretend it’s the most fun we’ve had all weekend when honestly, most of us would rather be home in our pjs, on the couch, eating cereal and watching reruns of the Golden Girls. Yeah, it’s THAT much fun. But, we are called to “rejoice with those who rejoice,” so we sit, and laugh, and smile, and “ooooh” and “awwww,” waiting for a break when we can go to the bathroom and check the vertical drop from the window.

Guilt is often our motivator for attending. Tacky…inconsiderate…selfish…a bad friend- all labels we fear being branded if we don’t attend. And I’m talking about the showers of personal friends, not mere acquaintances. I’ll be honest, if I don’t hang out with you on a social basis- odds are, I’m not coming to your baby shower. Don’t invite me. Why do people do this? I continually get invited to weddings and baby showers of people I hardly know. Just for the record, I’m not that nice. I understand these people may be trying to be considerate by inviting me, lest my feelings are hurt by being excluded- but seriously, do me the favor. I’d much rather have my two hours, good mood, and twenty dollars.

I realize one day my tacky, guiltless, and insensitive self will be one of these married, pregnant women- and what friends I have who are still single will willingly sacrifice themselves on the baby shower altar on my behalf. They’ll attend my shower with hugs, smiles and well wishes, bearing the most amazing gifts with the cutest wrapping (are you taking notes?) and they’ll pretend there is no other place they’d rather be on a Saturday morning. The difference? I will understand the emotional façade. The liquor will be in the bathroom closet, girls!